190925, FRI, 16:13
oh god i'm just so tired. was planning to hit a new nearby bar after uni and try some herbal tinctures. but my head’s already fuzzy without any alcohol. coffee just isn’t doing it today. the days feel so long (even with all there is to do). i’m already burnt out by like 4 pm and just wish the day would already be over.

170925, WED, 20:13
i’ve fully immersed myself in a type of music i’d avoided for ages — 90s alt classics. always thought it was too baked into pop culture to feel interesting, but now it’s turning into a solid soundtrack for my busy weekdays. there’s something cool about standing sleep-deprived in a packed subway car listening to, say, Suede. i really dig the mannerisms of britpop. with Suede, it verges on classic '70s glam, which is what especially draws me in. Pulp is great for the same reason.
i’ve also rediscovered my interest in Placebo. a huge part of my personal teenage lore is tied to this band, though in recent years i either avoided them or dismissed them as a guilty pleasure. but the debut album is still soo good. even if their later stuff doesn’t really grab me, Placebo (1996) remains one of my favorite '90s records — full of killer melodies, angsty lyrics, nervous energy, and that raw drive only youth can deliver. all the songs have personally stood the test of time (and i think it's not even a matter of nostalgia, because my adolescence was terrible).

after a long obsession with drone metal and slowcore, this shift in taste feels almost funny.

100925, WED, 17:40
the faculty teaching my courses this year are all millennials, and it's so interesting to interact with them.. each one is a total geek in their field — a little awkward, sometimes they go way too deep into the details, but they’re always throwing out reading recommendations and they’re actually really responsive. plus, they usually have great taste in movies and music. so far i'm digging through articles on media studies and the history of sound studies. i also like the new practical course from an active video artist, finally there'll be an opportunity to take on the software that i've long wanted to work with. after two years of studying, it feels like the first time i’m actually learning stuff that’s both interesting and useful for me. cool cool.

090925, TUE, 18:50
yesterday for my video art class homework, i shared a mini-review of a few works from the Fluxfilm Anthology. one of them (here’s the link if you’re curious) is a 28-second eye torture session — i watched it at night, screen flashing, eyes burning. but that’s not even the point. i described the feeling after watching like a slap to the face, or like a car speeding way too close, fumes blinding, heart slamming. and then today, the same thing happened. i was almost hit by a car, didn’t even have time to understand whether i was scared or not. kinda funny, honestly. lately i’ve been so out of it — almost fell onto the train tracks getting off. a few people had to shake my shoulder to snap me out. feels awkward. i really need to get out of this derealization, stop swimming in my own head. like, urgently.
for now, going to classes feels kinda ok. it structures the day. talking about yesterday’s entry — i figured out how i want to fill my free time. or, well, i’d tried before, but now i wanna take it more seriously. be consistent. also made another decision. not sure how impulsive it is, but it’s gonna bring some changes. we’ll see what happens. exactly in one week.
this is the song of the day btw. i like some grangey shoegaze.

080925, MON, 18:18
i’ve had same three-track ep on loop for days now - feel totally locked in a cycle. i’m deep inside my own head — floating somewhere, but not really here. i keep drinking these super sweet, caffeinated drinks so sugary they make my teeth ache. and i don’t even like sweets that much, but it’s the only thing giving me a little energy right now.
everything feels shaky, like i’m one step away from messing up. the days drag on, tense and aimless. trying to figure out how to fix this hhfgruhjkgdjdkjjjjjjjjjjj

010925, MON, 21:00
got a big heart-shaped bruise on my thigh. been fighting off this low-key fear for days now, trying to squeeze it out of me bit by bit. pay the dorm rent on time. go to all my classes. don’t drink on weekdays. don’t vanish. don’t run away. i love living spontaneously, but sometimes that’s exactly what ruins me. so i’m trying to stick to some simple rules — something to calm the noise in my head and make me feel like i’ve got at least a little control. there were times when it felt like every part of my life was spinning away. don’t wanna go back there.

270825, WED, 20:22
albums of the day:

1. Lonesummer - There Are Few Tomorrows for Feeding Our Worries (2011) noise rock, dsbm, shoegaze
2. True Widow - As High As the Highest Heavens and From the Center to the Circumference of the Earth (2011) slowcore, stoner rock, doomgaze
3. Bare Wire Son - Gently (2016) slowcore, drone metal
4. Low - I Could Live in Hope (1994) slowcore
5. Helmet - Meantime (1992) alternative metal, post-hardcore
6. Hum - Inlet (2020) alternative metal, doomgaze

260825, TUE, 14:16
"get scared. it will do you good. smoke a bit, stare blankly at some ceilings, beat your head against some walls, refuse to see some people, paint and write. get scared some more. allow your little mind to do nothing but function. stay inside, go out – i don’t care what you’ll do; but stay scared as hell. you will never be able to experience everything. so, please, do poetical justice to your soul and simply experience yourself."
/ Albert Camus

240825, SUN, 16:07
watch as much fucked up movies as you can & never drink cheap coffee.

230825, SAT, 23:30
i don’t know if there’s supposed to be some meaning in life. these days, everything i do feels mechanical. i just go through the motions to fill time.
for two years now, i’ve been indulging in the meaningless walks. whenever i felt sad, i’d skip uni or spend the whole weekend wandering alone with no route, no direction. now the thought of those walks makes me sick. the worst part is how they just happen — i don't even realize i'm doing it until i'm already deep in it. sometimes i’d ride public transport to the end of the line and back, over and over. just thinking, observing the world without judging it, studying it like some strange exhibit. all this just to burn through the hours with minimal effort. and now my whole life feels as pointless as those walks. i’m just existing, watching myself from the outside, and the observer in me doesn’t really care. i don’t know what could pull me out of this. is it possible, and if not — why keep going if all my days are fruitless? but maybe before deciding to let the life go, it's worth going into live-performance and starting to be a real freak. maybe then someone on 2ch would at least talk about me for a little (thinking about alisa glinskaya while writing these lines. idk. just forget it). i’ve always liked acts of "everyday" performance — even if it's something insignificant, such as an element of appearance or a behavioral feature. i’ve never been afraid to look stupid or weird in front of others. according to wiki, performance art is about the relationship between the artist and the audience. so other people have to be involved. i guess their attention still means something to me. i crave it. isolation is suffocating me. but communicating is somehow hard. i wish there was another way to do it, other than verbally. other than saying words with your mouth and formulating thoughts into words.
maybe i should buy a cool pocket knife. i don’t know why. i don’t know what else to do.
none of this feels coherent. there are no clear chains of thought i can hold onto. viva chaos. i want to embrace the whole world and disappear at the same time. i don’t have a god anymore — the only spectator that was in my life. i used to think that if he saw my sorrows, at least someone did — then maybe they weren’t completely meaningless. but now the sky is empty. everything is empty. now it’s just a talentless performance without an audience - "living decomposition" (date, author's signature).
i wish i could write about something other than myself and my thoughts. but i don’t know what else i have to offer.

150825, FRI, 16:18
sega mega suicidal. i’m just scared for no reason. terrified of this weekend, of the next few days, of whatever’s sitting in my head. i’ve started fearing going outside — not because of people or anything real. i’m so tired of it. tired of writing the same shit in this journal again.
had a breakdown this morning. cried until i was sick. it helped for, like, five minutes. now i just want to sleep. no energy for anything.

110825, MON, 11:21
i think i’m fine as long as derealization doesn’t kick in. last week was rough though — long, intense attacks left me useless. everything felt unreal, like i was stuck behind glass. couldn’t go outside, couldn’t talk to people, couldn’t even feel like myself. but my mind’s clear now and i can feel things again.

it’s freezing, even indoors. there're my last few days alone in absolute freedom before six days straight with my parents (they’ll be on vacation). hope these days will fly by with all the moving prep. not sure if i’ll make it to the zoo or somewhere else. there are so many places in the V. town i'd like to take pics of, but which i drove past by car so many times. i wasn’t born in the V. town, so i don’t love it like a hometown, but i pity it like a sick old dog. dusty, ridiculous, somehow falling apart. still don’t get why there're so many crows here. only ever see dead pigeons. maybe that’s how the town earns its name.

... waiting out the week.

song of the day. spent one night this weekend on the old mattress in grandma’s house, staring at the virgin mary painting across from me. love that faded picture. love the old room. that song was felt special that night.

070825, THU, 17:47

060825, WED, 19:08
i don’t know what to think about my last journal entry. it feels like it was written by someone else. it’s still hard to cope with loneliness, there're moments when i’m afraid of my brain. like last night or this early morning. i wish i could just sleep through days effortlessly, but somehow i keep waking up way too early. the day hasn’t even started and i’m already exhausted.
today i drew just for myself for the first time in maybe 2-3 years. no overthinking, just an experiment. i’ve got two unfinished pieces staring at me. weirdly, my style hasn’t changed at all, which is nice. but i’m not sure if i even want to draw regularly. what’s the point? post them online? so people can scroll past them? still, there’s something about seeing a piece of my mind materialize like that. like, that thing on the screen came from me. maybe i’ll keep doing it, but without overanalyzing.
my hair’s finally long enough for a tiny ponytail. it's cute, but i can’t wait to chop it all off.

it's not exactly the song of the day, but i was thinking about it today.

040825, MON, 19:10
i’ve been absolutely mastering melancholy these days. and honestly? i’m just tired of it. i don’t think i can romanticize all that suffering anymore. for me, the peak of artistic melancholy and apathy was Chantal Akerman’s Je, Tu, Il, Elle — for the longest time, it resonated with me on a deep level. now it's gone (big w for me). and it’s not like i’ve suddenly become happy for some reason or smth like that. the sadness just flew away. and left nothing in me. now i’m empty, but not in a negative way. i just don’t know what emotion’s supposed to come next or what i’m even meant to feel. it’s all very strange and hard to explain. i wonder if other people dig this deep into themselves.
i’m also tired of all the music i’ve been into. i need to discover something completely new, though i have no idea where to even look. i’m done with slow, guitar-driven stuff. and i don’t know what’s trending on RYM these days.
spent hours today messing with a new script for this site. gave myself a headache from overthinking it, and in the end, nothing worked. i really want to try something new, but i’m still missing some knowledge — and maybe the patience to push through. definitely need to study javascript properly.

song of the day. idk, i'll just leave this here.

310725, THU, 20:15
today i was digging through some obscure OVAs that i hadn't had time to watch before.
i've been interested in Blue Submarine no.6 (1998) for a long time, mostly because of the sick concept art by Range Murata.

so i gave it a shot. and it was... ok. the plot is simple (a standard story about saving the earth in a post-apocalyptic world), the character design is nice, but the main thing worth mentioning is the abundance of painfully dated CGI. it aged really poorly – the battle scenes look ridiculous, though, to be honest, there's a certain charm to it. so the series is still worth checking out, but only as a product of its time and an example of old media. it's short, the total running time is no more than 2 hours. plus, there are cute fish girls (quite interesting decision to make them with bare tits).

song of the day !

300725, WED, 19:19
the beach episode day. went to the city beach. i don't really like public beaches, but it wasn't very crowded on a weekday. collected some shells. my camera batteries died when i wanted to take some pics of the water, otherwise it was a nice little day.
and i need to finally get sunglasses. i found a model that suits me very well.

song of the day

290725, TUE, 12:31
finished Naoki Urasawa's Monster (2004). despite the size of the story and the number of characters, i enjoyed all the storylines. the darkish noir atmosphere and historical setting were nice. i liked the geographical movements of the characters and the detailed panoramas of 90s western germany. i also liked the interweaving of memories from the past and how many small details fit into a common puzzle with the efforts of many characters. all this created a sense of the scale of the plot. it felt really huge and very detailed. the open ending left a feeling of incompleteness, but i think that the obviously expected ending with the triumph of the "good" side would have also been wrong. i'm upset that the storyline about the experiments on children and much of johan and anna's childhood was left in the past. a lot of questions weren't answered and it seems like the creators of the story considered it necessary only to show that the survived main characters have everything fine in their lives. although i can't believe that each of them didn't end up having severe PTSD after so much shit they went through.

! this is the most general and raw impression, but i think i'd talk about this story for a quite long time
spoiler alert rip Wolfgang Grimmer you were the goat

song of the day. been sleeping on Archy's music for too long time. Man Alive! is my fav album so far

280725, MON, 11:10
wow it's been a while since the last update. i moved in with my parents in july, spent most of my time wandering around my hometown with my Nikon Coolpix 4600 and just living offline. i cut down on drinking alone because alcohol had become a huge depressant for me. my parents' house is a weird place in general that sucks all the energy out of me, and it always has been that way as far as i can remember.
i still haven't improved my relationship with my parents, although i hoped that with age many of the grievances would disappear. i often cry to release anger because of the repressed negativity, panic attacks have become more frequent, i spent almost the entire month of july in a state of derealization(/depersonalization), which i haven't had for a long time. yeah. tired of the fragility of my body and mind, like, physically tired.

i think it will get easier with the onset of august. for now, i'm concentrating on all the pieces of media that i need to catch up on. i continue coding and do some design, learn a couple of new graphic software. there's a small personal project that i'm starting to work on, i think i'll reveal the details in the future if something good starts to come out ︵



song of the day. back to listening to deftones this summer

090625, MON, 21:08
stupid day. drank shitty cheap whiskey cola in public. my head was completely foggy due to the heat and lack of sleep. fu manchu and kyuss were real saviors on this day, some desert rock was neat for the hot air in transport

feel ashamed and dissatisfied with myself. i just want to empty my head.

080625, SUN, 23:21
got a little drunk this morning /
drew all day with the window open in my room. i really like summer rain with thunderstorms and the freshness in the air after it. walked through puddles, felt the cool wind on my bare legs without tights (this is nice) i'd have liked to go out or spend time with a book this evening but i have absolutely no time
watched The Devil and Daniel Johnston in the background for the first time in a long time since high school (as usual, only the first half. the second half makes me too upset).

070625, SAT, 15:20

song of the day

030625, TUE, 03:08
yeah i'm back to sleepless nights. i have to draw as much as i never have before
/ i only need to hold out for another month and then i'll be finally free (as a bird)

btw i'm very pleased with the new music and literature that are now in my life. and i found two completely new activities that i want to introduce into my regular routine. i hope i won't give them up anytime soon.

010625, SUN, 17:09
in a sentimental mood rn >< i feel like i've become less apathetic and more emotional, i vividly experience every feeling, no matter if it's negative or not. i'm excited for no particular reason. a lot of things are going to happen this summer i think

a couple days ago i spent my birthday with A. i'm not in the mood to reflect on the fact that a new decade of my life has begun. all i want is just to move on and let the days go by.

250525, SUN, 21:03

220525, THU, 20:37
idk i'm just tired as hell. when will this week end.

22:37 currently working n listening to nin's live on woodstock'94

190525, MON, 21:27
today was kinda fun. had a lot of people talk to, even the random ones. various people asked me to help or smth like that. my body hurts but i don’t really feel tired, even tho i slept for 3 hours. it’s a strange after-sleepless-night-euphoria. i realized that i became interested in observing the effects of destructive practices on my body (insomnia / spontaneous fasting) it seems unremarkable but many effects depend on the combination of factors and the intensity. the most noticeable things i have experienced so far are phenomenon of microsleep and distortion of spatial and temporal perception. i’m making up for missed sleep and meals when i feel that i really need that so i think it can be ok. some sort of self-harm maybe. at least i feel like i can control it.

180525, SUN, 21:02
i woke up from a smell similar to a mixture of burning and damp mold. it has been pressing on my head all day long. i think it comes from my roommate's medicine, but i'm not sure, so let it remain a mystery

i almost failed to buy an energy drink today because the seller thought i didn't look like my passport photo. ofc i can't look like my child self. thank god i have to change my passport soon

there’re so many things to do at once, little time for sleep. sometimes it makes me angry and apathetic, i feel like a fish that has been thrown ashore. but at the same time, in this endless rush somewhere, i feel the movement of life, for the first time in a very long time. i realize that this is a transitional period, it breaks, but makes you stronger (very banal thing to say but what can you do if it's true)

030525, SAT, 16:03
i've hit a dead end in my search for a topic for visual research i guess. one of my two works for uni is supposed to be about visual effects in film. i've spent a lot of time trying to find a hook for a research topic among the movies i've already watched. nothing seems interesting. i like technical and cyberpunk-ish stuff (Tetsuo the Iron Man is my personal favorite). i think of going in the direction of cronenberg's films and study a visualization of technology fusion with humans or look at the aesthetics of computer interfaces in sci-fi and modern movies but idk. anyway, i have a lot stuff to watch for my future research

300425, WED, 16:14
added a new section called media log. for now it only has a list of books, but i’ll think how to structure all the information more neatly. i want to make my reading process less chaotic so i hope this section will help me. plus i plan to add something related to music and movies but i'm not sure. i don't want to overload this page
other thoughts for today: really enjoyed the new bladee Ste the Beautiful Martyr 1st Attempt ep. starting from the cover or One in a Million mv (the sword and the cemetery and ahhh the whole simple ethereal vibe. simple but quite captivating). need to reflect on the recent appeal to religious themes in alternative music. the first examples that come to my mind are the whole ethel cain image or the latest alex g album (can’t forget the ‘God is my designer / Jesus is my lawyer' lines from God Save the Animals (2022) album)

16:19 i have nothing to smoke today

290425, TUE, 18:11
i've been reading moyoco anno's Memoirs of Amorous Gentlemen this morning. love the art style, it slightly reminds me of ai yazawa's Nana. found out that moyoco anno is married to hideaki anno btw

i have half ambitious half realistic plans for oncoming spring break. i'll share my thoughts on this later